I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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