everyone is single if you try hard enough
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
