I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
