i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
