I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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