Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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