So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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