1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
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sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
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I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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