All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
What a dumb baby whore.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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