Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
