She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
