Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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