There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Dicks are not precious.
Randomize
