is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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