I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
