I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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