She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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