You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Randomize
