Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
