How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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