I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I still have a little drunk in my system
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Randomize
