FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family