I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.