just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
