sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize
