My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
