the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
