I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
