I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
