i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
my phone needs a breathalizer
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
