I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
