Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
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i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
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I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
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