The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
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he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
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Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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