fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
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aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
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I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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