I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
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I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
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Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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