we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
