I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
