"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
