god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I'm bleeding and have questions
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
