I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
