Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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