tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
