I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
