My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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