i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
