Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
there is glitter all over my balls
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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