can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
