i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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