literally had 100 drinks last night.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
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