i just wanna soil my oats bro
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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