omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I need to sanitize my soul.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
