They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
