ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
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