I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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